


Taken

by Berytni



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Blood and Injury, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gun Violence, Healing, Missing Persons, Near Death Experiences, Romance, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Tragic Romance, Traumatic Brain Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24489880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berytni/pseuds/Berytni
Summary: After Rollins suspiciously quits SVU, Carisi is determined to find out the truth. She and her daughters would eventually recover from the trauma of being abducted, but Carisi may never survive to be a hero or know how much he means to her. Multi-chapter fic. Rollisi.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 15
Kudos: 48





	1. Dominick

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thanks for stopping by! I'm six chapters into this on ff.net but I've been out of the fanfiction game for 10 years and this seems like the place to be now. If you've been a reader, thank you for your support. Enjoy!

There's a rumor that the term, "the city that never sleeps" was inspired by the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. After a hard late-night investigating the rape and murder of a Hudson University professor, the members of the unit slowly trickled in coffee and bagels in hand. Lieutenant Benson was the second last to arrive after a morning battle getting her son to school. Her office door was slightly ajar which wasn't entirely specious, hell, it barely crossed her mind, but it wasn't how she left it five hours ago. Benson put down her bag and booted up her laptop. A single white envelope was delicately propped up against the framed picture of Noah, titled "Lieutenant". She paused and cautiously began to reach for it.

"Liv, I got something"

Sargent Tutuola lingered in the doorway until Benson circled her desk to join the rest of the office. She'd get to the envelope later. The lead came in from a student who may have witnessed the attack on the professor. She volunteered to go to Hudson with Fin and sent Carisi to check with a bodega owner near campus for security footage. Rollins was out of sight, no coffee on the desk or coat hanging on the back of her chair. A couple of years back, this was a normal occurrence, but motherhood got Rollins on track. Benson understood, especially with having half of the mouths to clothe and feed before getting out the door. She expected to have a text waiting from Rollins explaining the situation.

The Hudson student saw a shadowy figure run from the building where Professor Green was attacked. Benson and Tutuola then went to the security office to collegiate the student's account. Down at the bodega, the security cameras were just for show. The owner knew and saw nothing either. Carisi gets a call from Benson to meet at an address in Harlem. A nine-year-old boy had been reported missing. She also called Rollins, but the phone goes straight to voicemail.

The call ended up being a custody misunderstanding between divorced parents. The otherwise quiet afternoon sent the squad back to work on open cases. The DNA from the Green rape was ready and if it was in the system, the case would be open and shut. Tutuola tried calling Rollins on the down-low. He hoped she would at least pick up for him. Benson returned to her office and remembered the envelope. "Lieutenant". She sat down and pushed her thumb under the sealed flap. Inside was a tri-folded piece of lined paper that was pulled out of a notebook.

_Dear Liv,_

_It pains me to write this letter. Maybe that's why I'm doing this. The last few years have meant the world to me, but it's time for me to leave SVU. A wise woman once told me to not let this job became my life. Knowing that I've decided to finally put my family first. Even though SVU has become my family, my girls need more now more than never. Nothing will make me forget my time here._

_Sincerely,_   
_Amanda_

Benson's mouth fell open while reading the note the first time. The second time, she shook her head and put her head in her hands. She thought that Amanda had outgrown her irresponsible and selfish ways. Her reasoning for leaving was understandable, but to leave without warning was something only the old Rollins would do. Maybe some things don't change. Benson was disappointed and crushed at the same time. Her and Rollins had a special relationship after their years together on the job and children growing up together. Benson put the letter down and took a deep breath. She could have cried, but mostly she had a lot of paperwork to do.

"Hey, Liv, I got the…hey, hey is everything alright?"

"Carisi," Benson sighed. "I…yes…uh…is that the DNA for the Green case?"

"No match," he said placing the results on her desk. He saw the letter in front of his boss and caught her sad eyes. Benson sighed and gestured him to close the door.

"Rollins quit."

"W-what? Today? Like…put in her two weeks. Was she here? I…"

Benson handed him the loose-leaf sheet. He held the letter in front of him with his other hand on his hip. His eyes shifted back and forth frantically before glazing over. "And you're gonna let her do this? Just…go?"

Benson shrugged and took the letter back, "Carisi, I don't think there's anything I can do. I'm…shocked too."

He felt his heart beating at the back of his throat. Dominick "call me Sonny" Carisi would maybe admit he had feelings for Rollins after one too many, but dealing with it inside was just a part of his time at SVU. He returned to his desk, sat down, and stared at the wall. Benson called Tutuola inside to tell him about Rollins. Carisi turned his head towards Rollin's desk. It was just how she left it the night before. He wondered when she decided to leave and tried to think of anything specious that would make sense now she was gone. He wondered if it was something he said or did, but knew that was a stretch.

"I can't believe about Amanda."

Carisi snapped out of his trance. Tutuola was back at his desk. He and Rollins went even further back. It was a different relationship, but they were just as close.

"I can't believe she didn't say goodbye," Carisi signed.

"To you."

"What?"

"Come on, I know."

Carisi bit the inside of his cheek. "No, I…to all of us."

"Nah, I know man. I'm playin'. I'll miss her too."

"You don't think it's weird? To just disappear like that?"

"I've seen it."

"But, Rollins…"

"She's got a lot on her plate. Sometimes it's just too much".

This wasn't a comfort to Carisi. Something didn't feel right, but with seven open sexual assault cases, he didn't have time to linger what it was. Rollins was in the back of his mind all day. More than usual. Everyone seemed fine with her decision. Maybe he wasn't as seasoned as a cop to understand a person's choice to leave the job suddenly. Maybe he was too attached to Rollins, but he had questions. Where was her badge? Her gun?

While getting a bite to eat, he shot her a text. Rollins didn't owe an explanation to anyone, and it was none of his business, but he couldn't put the rashness of her departure and vagueness of her letter behind him. The text sat on pending for an entire Italian sub before being marked as undeliverable. He'd try sending it again back in the office, hoping the cell towers in upper Manhattan were on the fritz. Rollins wasn't just a co-worker to him. He didn't need any more family, Rollins and her daughters were a choice.

Back at the station, a suspect was in custody for the rape and murder of Professor Green. Carisi tried sending the message again before going to interrogate the perp with Tutuola. This guy was all bark but no bite. He had a record, but Benson, who viewed the interview from her office didn't think he was their guy. Rollin's letter kept pulling her attention away. She would have to get her Badge and Gun, but none of her calls were being returned. Rollins knew the procedure, and it bothered Benson more and more as the day went on. She decided to put off the paperwork to avoid getting her old detective in trouble. She'd give her a day to come in.

Carisi's message still hadn't gone through. He had no real reason to be concerned, it was just a gut feeling, but he couldn't live with it anymore. He decided to go to Rollin's apartment after work. If she was really quitting the force, he wanted to hear it himself.

On the way to her apartment, Carisi stopped by the grocery store hoping he could convince her to talk with a homemade dinner for the girls like the old days. The cardiologist had taken his place, but instead of fresh pasta and mama's marinara, it was caviar and champaign. Carisi tried to stay out of Rollin's business, but he knew she said no to the engagement. Carisi resented Dr. Pollack for the familial connection to Rollins, but at least she didn't love either of them.

The lights were off under the door of Rollin's apartment. He thought maybe it was too late and he should go home but knocked anyway.

"Hey, it's Sonny."

Silence.

"Amanda, I read your note. Can I come in? I brought pasta and-" There was movement inside. "Rollins?"

"Carisi. Go."

"Hey now, is everything okay? Amanda…"

"Dominick. Please go."

Dominick. The name felt ill on Rollin's tongue. She hoped it sounded just as off and that it alerted Carisi that something was wrong. With the barrel of her gun pressed to the back of her head, she hoped and she prayed he heard her subtle scream for help. The second one since her resignation letter. While her daughters slept soundly in their room, she was handcuffed to a kitchen chair. The duck tape across her mouth had been temporarily removed so she could tell Carisi to leave. It was that or blind bullets through the door.

"Dinner's outside", he sighed, putting the paper grocery bag down.

Rollins heard the hurt in his voice. She blinked away tears as the tape was returned to her mouth. Carisi raced down the stairs of her complex and back to his car. Only his mother called him Dominick with that much furry. He tried to take care of his friend, which was the right thing to do, but he regretted knocking on her door. She was gone and wanted nothing to do with him or the squad. He went home, poured too much whiskey, and ate alone.


	2. The Letter

The next morning, Carisi stumbled in late. He had fallen asleep on the couch in his work clothes. He had a mild hangover from drowning his feelings, his back was sore, and he hadn't really processed Rollins being gone.

"Thought we were gonna lose you too", Tutuola joked. Carisi half smiled and avoided eye contact as he sat at his desk.

Benson looked at the clock. Not concerning Carisi, but how long it had been since she read the letter from Amanda. It was burning a hole in her desk without a gun and badge to accompany it. She let Tutuola and Carisi, mostly Carisi, settle in before leaving her office.

"Have either of you heard from Rollins? I need her gun and her badge, and I can't get a hold of her."

Tutuola shook his head. Carisi stayed silent at first, but his drumming fingertips gave him away. "I went to her apartment last night."

"Atta boy."

"Fin."

"No, no…" he explains standing up, slightly dizzy. "I didn't get past the front door. She said maybe five words to me."

"And those were?"

Carisi squinted as he remembered and counted off, "go, please, Dominick…"

"Dominick?"

Benson pursed her lips. Her detective had the biggest heart of any other cop she knew. Unfortunately, he also kept giving it to someone who didn't fully appreciate it. She also thought about the number of times she had been in trouble and tried to relay a message through an unusual channel to catch someone's attention. No one called her detective "Dominick". "Was there anything else?"

"She sounded upset."

She paused. "Truthfully, I've put off the paperwork to give her the benefit of the doubt to come in herself to deliver her gun. I'm going to try and talk to her today before I go to Dodds."

Carisi sat back down, still feeling dizzy. He should have just waited by the door or fought harder to get inside. He didn't even try and see if the door was unlocked.

After an earlier sentencing hearing, Benson set out to Rollin's apartment. She had no idea what to expect but hoped she would be more open to talking to her. After Tutuola went out for lunch and he was alone, Carisi wanted to read Rollin's letter again. Benson's office was open and it was only tucked under the picture of Noah, so he justified taking it. He read the letter more carefully. It was awfully short for something so important, especially if it was her intention to disappear from their lives forever. Could there be more to it? He exited his boss's office with the letter. On the big whiteboard in the middle of the open office space, he wrote the message backward. He wrote it again using every other word. He treated the handwritten note like one from the Zodiac Killer. It was all nonsense, but he had another idea. Taking the first letter of each sentence, he was left with IMTAKEN. IM TAKEN. I'm taken? It had to be a coincidence.

The more he thought about it, the louder his head pounded. Carisi had tunnel vision as he ran down the to lobby to see the security footage from the night of Professor Green's murder. Rollins never went into Benson's office. She left and never came back. Security brought the letter in. He had no solid evidence, it was all circumstantial, but something was very wrong.

When Benson arrived, Rollin's apartment door was wide open. There was a bag of groceries scattered in the doorway. She cautiously stepped inside, gun pulled. Two of the dining room chairs were knocked over. There was dried blood on the floor. Rollin's shield was on the floor along with her cell-phone which was shattered in pieces. Her gun, however, was nowhere in sight. Benson searched the two bedrooms and bathroom. It was all clear except for Rollin's dog, Frannie, who was locked in a closet. She realized her phone was ringing.

"Carisi…I'm at Rollins'."

"Tell me she's with you. Please."

"I-I can't. She left."

"No, Liv, she was taken."

Benson called the crime scene unit to Rollin's apartment. This was a different conversation she would have to have with Dodds. Amanda Rollins appeared to have met with some kind of foul play, and her daughters also couldn't be accounted for. Carisi was also the last person to have been there by his admission. He was probably on his way already, Benson thought.

Forensics found additional blood in the bathroom. An empty syringe and needle were pulled from the kitchen sink drain. Benson waited outside. She distanced herself from the crime scene not because she wanted to, but because it was her detective that was missing. Her hunch about Carisi was right. He pulled in front of the building and jumped out of the car.

"Are the girls okay?"

"You can't be here," Benson sighed. "Carisi…please, and don't read in-between the lines, but you were the last person here."

"W-what? What, are you kidding me right now? I'm a suspect? Liv, I-I could have stopped this. I should have known."

"We don't know what happened."

"I didn't hurt her."

"I know, Sonny," Benson said. "It's out of our hands."

Dominick. Dominick. Dominick. Carisi's drive back to the station was filled with flashbacks from last night. He had let his feelings for Rollins cloud his judgment. He acted like a heartbroken fool instead of a cop. Rollins and her daughters could have been safe if he busted down that damn door. Benson wouldn't tell him anything. He needed to know how guilty of a conscience he should have. There must have been something proving his theory: Rollins didn't leave on her own will. Benson wouldn't have called it in otherwise.

He explained the hidden message in Rollin's resignation letter. Benson wouldn't confirm it, but she suggested that it looked like there had been a struggle in the apartment. The case had been passed on to the Major Crimes Unit with the highest priority. Benson begged Carisi to take leave until IAB cleared him, but she knew the red tape wouldn't stop him. In fact, it wouldn't stop any of them from trying to figure out what happened to their friend.

Rollins jerked awake. She was in the passenger seat of her car, handcuffed to the door. Her head was foggy and vision blurry, but she knew the car was moving.

"Good morning, darling."

She squirmed and tried to pull her right arm from the restraint. Rollins jerked her head to look in the back seat. Jesse and Billie were in their car seats, both unconscious. She tried to focus her vision on their chests to see if they were breathing.

"Don't worry about the girls. Mild sedative."

"Where are we going?"

"Home, Amanda. Where we can finally be a family."


	3. Gemini

Carisi had a sleepless night. He couldn't stop thinking about how he was feet away from Rollins and did nothing. In the morning he'd have to talk with IAB. It was like going over to her apartment was cursed. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. If something happened to Amanda, Jesse, or Billie, he would never forgive himself. It would be enough to send him to madness. He thought about just driving around New York looking for them, but he knew it would be fruitless. A city of over 8 million people, all whom he was to serve and protect, but all he cared about was two little girls and their mother.

He was cleared almost immediately with IAB. His boss probably had something to do with that. Carisi understood the precautions. It looked suspicious. He would have hated to be the reasonable doubt in a trial of a crime he should have prevented in the first place. Benson finally told him about the state of Rollin's apartment. The good news was that the blood in the apartment wasn't Rollins' or the girls. Someone else had been there. It was hard to rule out suspects for a cop. Anyone Rollins had ever arrested, got convicted, or both could have done this.

"Why aren't we not treating this as a normal kidnapping case?" Carisi asked spinning around in his chair

"We're too close, we're not even supposed to be working this," his boss responded.

"And?"

"Carisi."

"No, hear me out. The girls. Kidnappings, they're almost always a custodial issue. Who's Jesse's father."

"Not involved," Benson half laughed. Declan Murphy was probably undercover God knows where. 'Trust me." Carisi sank back in his chair, it put a damper on his theory.

"What about that Cardiologist?" Tutuola joined.

"Never liked him," Carisi remarked, crossing his arms over his chest. That was an understatement. Never mind that Dr. Pollack proposed to Rollins spontaneously in a hospital corridor with Carisi there, but he also knew about the doctor's history of infidelity.

"The needle in the sink. What was in there?"

Benson took the report from her office. The report she got as a favor. "A sedative."

"Doctors can get sedatives," Tutuola said, sitting up in his chair.

"The blood…the blood in her apartment. It would be a paternal match to Billie," Carisi added.

Carisi and Tutola both turned to Benson. She signed and closed her eyes, "go."

It was a stretch, Carisi knew it. At least he felt like he was helping. With a rush on the already collected DNA, they would have the answer in a couple of hours. In the meantime, he looked more into Dr. Alan Pollack at his desk - just in case. Born in 1979. 5'10". No priors. Gemini. Drivers license registered to an address in the Upper East Side. He also owned a home in The Hamptons. Carisi jotted down both addresses.

The blood in Rollins' apartment was a paternal match to Billie. It proved nothing though. Dr. Pollack could have had a nose bleed or cut himself cooking. He had the right to visit his daughter. The crime scene investigators never found her gun. Did Rollins try and disappear? Was Dr. Pollack the good guy here? What about the sedative in the sink?

"We gotta go," Tutuola said, putting down his office phone.

It was probably for the best. Carisi's head was going in circles. He and Tutuola took a squad car to an address disclosed by Benson, who was already on her way. They headed to Battery Park, which was on the New York Harbor on Manhattan's southern edge. The scene was surrounded by first responders. Benson was already at the waterfront, watching as EMTs pulled a child's body from the water. There was one more to be retrieved, they were previously bound together.

Finding a body in the Hudson River happened more often than anyone would like to admit. Tutuola and Carisi joined Benson behind the crime tape. A medical examiner was looking at the first body pulled from the water, a young blonde white female, as the other was pulled up. Carisi saw the second head of soaking wet blonde hair come over the wall. He backed away, doing the sign of the cross, praying a third adult body wouldn't come up later. Benson looked back at her detective. He was white as a ghost.

"It's not them," she said, turning to Carisi. Benson motioned for Tutuola to take over the crime scene. She pulled Carisi a couple of feet aside and turned his back to the water. "Carisi, it's not them, they're too old."

He nodded, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He was back to a heartbroken fool opposed to a cop.

"We're going to find them, and Carisi, when we do, they're going to need you more than ever," she said, her hand making contact with his arm. "So please, go home. Take care of yourself."

Carisi drove back to the station. He agreed to take the rest of the week off, but he wasn't going home. After dropping off the cruiser, he drove in his car north to the Upper East Side.

Al Pollack lived in a beige skyscraper fronted with a garden and brick pathway. Carisi parked his car and jogged across the street to the property. He saw a doorman and flashed his badge before pulling up a picture of Rollins on his phone.

"Have you seen her recently?"

"Not in a few weeks. Beautiful little girls she has…are they alright?"

"Well, we don't know," Carisi said, switching to a new photo. "What about him?"

"Dr. Pollack, yes, he left late a couple of nights ago. Said it was for a conference, he had a suitcase."

"He say where?"

"I'm sorry…is Dr. Pollack in trouble?"

"No, no," Carisi lied. "He's the father of the little baby. We're just covering our bases." Another lie.

"He didn't say where just not to expect him home for a while."

Rollins and her daughters were held in a large, affluent home. If it were not for the circumstances, she could have even called it beautiful. From the day she arrived, her daughters each had a fully-furnished bedroom with books, toys, and games. She told Jesse that they were on a vacation, even though their captor called it, "home." The truth was, it could have been Rollin's home. However, if a 10-carat diamond couldn't change her mind about Dr. Pollack, a mansion in The Hamptons wouldn't either.

Rollins refused to abandon her life when Dr. Pollack showed up to her apartment by surprise. When he turned down his physical romantic advances, he became violent. Her gun had been in the bedroom. She ended up breaking his nose in self-defense in the kitchen, and he shoved her to the ground. That's when she was sedated for the first time. He had come prepared if she resisted, and after he found her gun, he was in control.

Once Rollins woke up, Dr. Pollack made her resign from her job at SVU. When she wasn't drugged, she was restrained. He anonymously dropped off the letter with security early the next morning, claiming it was a thank you note for Lieutenant Benson. For a mother of two, one being his own flesh and blood, Dr. Pollack thought her job was too dangerous and that she was too close with her male partner. Dr. Pollack had everything to a fault. His proposal being turned down triggered a downward spiral that revealed the sociopath his doctoral degree concealed. Rollins was to see the life she was missing until she accepted it as her own.


	4. The Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: gun violence, blood, and discussions of death/dying. Nothing worse than the show itself, but just a heads up. Thank you for your support and kind words.

It was getting late, but with being off duty, Carisi decided to drive to Dr. Pollack's second address in The Hamptons. If he was really at a conference, the house would be empty. No harm, no foul. Tomorrow he'd figure out where this "conference" was and continue working on what happened to Rollins. He got a large black coffee for the two-hour drive to the opposite side of Long Island. He drove in silence aside from GPS directions from his phone in the passenger seat. The adrenaline made him feel a little unhinged. Maybe he'd mellow out by the time he got there and could see the house was empty.

The address lead to a home in East Hampton, a prosperous neighborhood on the southeast end of The Island. Carisi drove by the picket-fenced property twice. Lights were on inside, but not many. A car was also in the driveway. He couldn't make out details from the road, but it looked out of place. The vehicle had a silhouette of a commuter car, where the standard around the neighborhood were high price tokens. He parked down the street, looked back, and contemplated walking up to the house. His boss wouldn't approve of this. Although he was armed, Carisi was alone and no one knew where he was.

He made the decision. Now or never. Rolling up his sleeves, Carisi walked down the paved driveway illuminated by the home's lights. The car in the driveway was Rollins'. His heart rate jumped to a mile a minute. An additional light turned on upstairs. He swallowed hard but continued towards the front door. As he knocked twice, Carisi became aware of how shaky his hands were.

"T-this is Detective Carisi, NYPD, please open the door." At least he did one thing by the book. There was silence, but he still found himself touching his fingertips to the handle of his gun. With his other hand he knocked again.

From inside the house, a shot was fired outside. Carisi ducked down and covered his head. On his knees he looked up where the sound came from. That bullet was meant for him, what if the next one was for Rollins? Jesse? Billie? In a normal situation he would have radioed in that shots had been fired, but normal jumped ship a long time ago and his radio was at the station. In a moment of bravery, he stood up, adjusted his tie, and kicked down the door.

Rollins was alone in the master bedroom, handcuffed to the frame. Dr. Pollack had just shot her gun from his office, which overlooked the front yard. She heard footsteps approaching from the opposite direction. The barrel of Carisi's gun entered the half-shut door before he did.

"Amanda," he exhaled, lowering his gun.

She made an audible sound of disbelief and placed her free hand to her mouth. He got it. He understood her letter. Carisi ran to Rollins and kneeled by the bed. He kept an eye over his shoulder as he retrieved the keys to his own handcuffs that would open the police standard ones keeping her bound. Rollins had bruises around her wrists from trying to pull away.

"You shouldn't be here, detective."

Carisi froze. He and Rollins locked eyes. He slowly stood up and tossed Rollins' handcuffs aside to face Dr. Pollack. Rollin's gun was staring at him in the face. He left his own gun on the pillow top next to her and he put his hands up as to not pose a threat.

"Let her go. You and me."

"You first," the doctor responded behind his hostage's gun.

Rollins sprung for Carisi's weapon and pointed it at her ex.

"Sweetheart, what are you going to do with that?"

"End this. Put the gun down, Al."

"After all that I've done? Ungrateful. You know, Amanda, it's insulting," Dr. Pollack said, stepping closer to Carisi. "And you, you've ruined our evening."

Bang.

Blood splattered on Rollin's face. She screamed and without a second to spare she fired shots square in the cardiologist's chest until Carisi's gun was empty. He fell back and joined her partner on the floor, who was already in a pool of blood that crept across the vertical wood sections. Rollins jumped to the ground.

"Carisi, no. No, no, no,"

She patted his thighs to find his cell phone, and called 911. Most of the blood was coming from the back of his head. She stood up and ran for towels from the ensuite. Shaking, she cradled his head and applied pressure to the entrance and exit wounds. The plush white towels were soaked with blood in minutes, but she kept the pressure on. As his eyes flickered open and shut, she wondered if she was doing more harm than good.

"Stay with me," she said, taking her head from Carisi's forehead to check his pulse. His heart was on fire and his breathing became shallow. The color evaporated from his skin. He'd likely go into shock soon. She could hear sirens in the distance. "Just hang on."

Rollins emotionally distanced herself from the situation as much as possible. It was just another day on the job. Someone got shot. Follow procedure. It was the only thing keeping her together. She knew if she made any of what had happened personal, she'd start panicking. She heard Jesse call out to her, Billie was crying too, but she stayed with Carisi until the EMTs arrived.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, it's all his, please go."

Rollins was covered in blood. She had kneeled in the pool while trying to control the bleeding and her hands were wet from the towels. A local police officer came into the room. Rollins explained who she was and what happened. She asked him to call her Lieutenant in Manhattan. They continued talking as Rollins checked in on our daughters. An EMT had given Rollins a blanket, which she wrapped around her shoulders. She picked up the crying Billie and brought her to Jesse's room. She sat on the gold-framed bed with her.

"Momma, what's happening? I'm scared."

"Our…vacation is over, love," she said, rocking her younger daughter. "Uncle Sonny," Rollins choked on her words, "came to take us home."

She wrapped her blanket-covered arm around her daughter, and Jesse nuzzled into her side. It was the first time in days she could really hold her daughters. Rollins closed her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat.

Due to the circumstances, Rollins and her daughters were also taken to the hospital. Carisi's ambulance was long gone. A team of doctors worked on stabilizing him. The bullet went straight through the top back part of his skull, and he lost a lot of blood. The difference between life and death was the height contrast between him and Dr. Pollack. It was a miracle he made it to the hospital alive.

The girls were taken to the pediatric unit. Rollins was given a generic pair of pants and a shirt, so she could change out of her blood-soaked clothing. Up until then only her hands and face had been cleaned. She'd seen many victims in the same ensemble. Aside from superficial injuries, she was deemed physically fine and cleared for release. The girls were slightly dehydrated, but otherwise healthy. They were allowed to rest for the night in the hospital. Billie was asleep in a separate section of pediatrics for babies, but Jesse was awake. Rollins sat in a chair in her room, hunched over to rest her head in her arms on the bed.

"Where's Uncle Sonny?"

For the first couple weeks of Jesse's life, Carisi was the only one who could get her to stop crying. She totally took advantage of him, but it was truly a gift. Billie was easier, but maybe Rollins had more practice.

"He's…here, sweetie. He needed to see a doctor too, but we'll see him soon." She prayed she was right. She prayed hard that God believed in Carisi as much as he believed in God.

Once Jesse fell asleep, Rollins switched back and forth between sitting with her daughters. She asked one of the pediatric nurses about Carisi, but they were in a completely different side of the hospital. When the nurse came back, Rollins was hopeful she was kind enough to find out where he was, but instead was notified that another person was asking for her in the lobby.

Lieutenant Benson sat on the edge of her seat, hunched over. Her world had turned upside down when she got a call from an officer saying her missing detective and detective on leave were both hospitalized in The Hamptons.

"Liv."

Benson picked up her head. Her face softened when she saw a disheveled Rollins standing in front of her. The lieutenant stood up, and they met in the middle in an embrace. It was the first time Rollins allowed herself to feel what happened to her. What happened to Carisi. In the last couple of hours Rollins shot and killed the father of her baby, a man who lost all sense of reality despite his wealth and education. She had been drugged and handcuffed for two days before the most important man in her life was shot in the head trying to save her. That could be her last memory of him. His blood was still deep under her fingernails and splattered in her hair. She started sobbing and Benson held her tighter.


	5. Tomatoes

Carisi had never been shot before. It almost happened once on the job, ironically in a similar fashion, but otherwise, that hazard of being one of New York City's finest never caught up with him. By the time Benson arrived at the hospital, he was in surgery. She and Rollins waited together in the lobby for any updates. The lieutenant would call Carisi's family in the morning, no matter the news. After four hours, Rollins became restless.

"Liv, what if he doesn't make it."

"Well, he's made it this far. Not many do."

Rollins cradled her head in her hands. She was so, so tired. An additional hour passed and a doctor emerged calling "Dominick Carisi Jr.". Amanda stood up and held her breath. The bullet had gone straight through the top left part of his brain. To release the pressure caused by the trauma, the surgeon had to remove a section of his skull. Due to the blood loss, he was touch and go, but they were able to get him to a delicate, but stable, condition. Carisi was put into a medically induced coma. While he was alive, the full extent of the damage would be better assessed once he woke up.

Come sunrise, Benson had to return to the city. It was just her and Tutuola now. She called Carisi's family. By this time, he was still stable, but wouldn't be awake for some time. His parents were coming from Staten Island. Rollins had a few more hours until her daughters would be released, so Benson pulled some strings for a Manhattan officer to pick them up from the hospital. She got Rollins a coffee before saying goodbye, and good luck.

Carisi's doctor came back and told Rollins visiting hours were open for the ICU. She checked on her daughters first. She held Billie for a few minutes and then watched Jesse sleep before working up the courage to see Carisi.

The pediatric unit and ICU were as far from each in the hospital as they were different. Instead of bright colors, everything was white and stark. Carisi had a room to himself. Rollins counted down the numbers as she walked down the hall of glass and curtains. She saw him first through the floor to ceiling windows and came to a full stop.

It was her fellow detective, but it didn't look like him. She took a long, deep, and shaky breath before opening the door to the room. His head was in a helmet, and a brace was wrapped around his neck. Underneath were bandages and gauze where she remembered the bullet entry wound was. The congestion around his head was wildly disproportionate to the rest of his body. Rollins took a chair and pulled it to the bed, being careful not to bump a monitor or wire. She stared at him for a while and counted the number of times his chest rose and fell.

"I…I don't know if you can hear me, but…I know this should be me. Carisi, I'm sorry." She said, blinking down a tear. "If you make it out of here, I promise…I promise we will…I will…"

Before she could finish, the door opened behind her. Rollins looked up at the ceiling to clear the rest of her tears before turning her head. It was an older woman with salt and pepper hair and Carisi's eyes.

"They said someone was here already," she said, shyly.

"Yeah, hi, I…I came in with him. I'm…"

"Amanda. I know."

"Mrs. Carisi, I'm so sorry."

"Your Lieutenant, she said he saved you, is that true?"

Rollins nodded solemnly. She'd never admit to needing a savior, but if Carisi died because of her, she'd make sure he was remembered as a hero. His mother walked to the other side of the bed and touched his shoulder.

"My son…I always told him he had too big of a heart to be a cop." Rollins smiled slightly, unsure of what to say.

"Are your girls okay? Jesse and…Billie?"

"Y-yeah. I get to take them home in a bit."

"Good, good," she said. "Dominick was my first," her voice shook, "Our only boy…"

"I'll give you some privacy," Rollins said, starting to stand up.

"No, it-it's okay," Mrs. Carisi sniffed, gesturing for Rollins to sit down. "Amanda, I won't pry…and I know he's stubborn…but you matter to him. Stay, please."

On the next hour, Rollins left Carisi to check her daughters out of the hospital. She wanted to stay longer with him, but she needed to take Jesse and Billie home. Their real home. Rollins didn't know the status of her phone, but Carisi's mother took her number anyways if anything changed. An NYPD officer met her outside in the pick-up area. Rollins watched the hospital disappear in the rearview mirror. She went from being a prisoner to a whole new personal hell. It was like the trauma of being held captive was swept up in the tornado that was Carisi getting shot. Rollins was safe, but it came at a cost.

Crime scene investigators had torn up her apartment. Everything was out of place, on the floor, or open. The girls' room was less of a disaster. She put Billie in her crib and told Jesse to play for a bit while she cleaned up. Rollins put the chairs back at the kitchen table and closed all of the cabinets. By the door there was a paper grocery bag. A couple of cans of tomatoes were stacked next to it along with other grocery items. Rollins kneeled by the door and took a receipt out of the bag. Garlic, canned tomatoes, an onion, penne pasta…she had to stop reading. Rollins had a flashback to the night before Dr. Pollack drove them to The Hamptons. Carisi came to the door to make her dinner, and he abandoned the good gesture when she turned him away. She picked up one of the vessels. It was more than a can of tomatoes now.

"Momma, don't cry, it's just messy."

"Yeah, baby, you're right. You're right."

Rollins went on to clean the blood out of the living room and bathroom. She was thankful, in an odd way, that her eldest daughter was sedated throughout the majority of their ordeal and wasn't old enough to question it otherwise. As she scrubbed, she remembered making Dr. Pollack's nose bleed when she punched him. It was a dead man's blood now. He gave her Billie. It was hard to reject their time together. She thought about all of the red flags, but she never imagined he'd tear a page out of one of her case files.

Rollins spent the rest of the day resting and spending time with her daughters. Benson checked in on them after she left the office for the night. It was a quick visit, and Rollins got ready for bed shortly after. She snuggled up with her girls before tucking them in. Despite having a night in the hospital to sleep, they were just as tired as she was and were easy to get to bed.

"Did Uncle Sonny go home?" Jesse asked as Rollins was about to turn off the light.

"No, honey. He had to stay in the hospital."

"Will we see him?"

"We will, but you know what we can do tomorrow? We can draw pictures for Uncle Sonny for when he wakes up."

"He's asleep?"

"Yes, baby," she sighed. Carisi was the closest thing to a father Jesse had. Rollins was thankful Billie wasn't old enough to be asking about Dr. Pollack. He wasn't around Jesse enough to make the same impression her partner had.

In bed, she thought of all the times she and Carisi almost stepped across the line to be more than friends, more than partners. Would he be safe and well today if she had just given him a chance? She knew it was toxic, but it's all that ran through her head. She never wanted to mix work and play, and frankly a Catholic family-oriented man wasn't her type. Rollins had been afraid that if she gave in a little, she would be committed forever. No man had ever shown her the unconditional kindness and love that Carisi did. The romance was all that was missing. She always thought he would be there for when she was ready, but now she would maybe never have the chance.


	6. Hero

Despite her rushing mind, Rollins fell asleep her first night home. It was then all she could do for several days, despite the nightmares of Carisi getting shot. She'd wake up in cold sweats and cry herself back to sleep, thinking about him. She was lucky to have her nanny and chosen-family system. None of her blood relatives knew about what happened. Her mother would have put it all on her, that she should have just sucked it up and married the doctor. If it wasn't for her daughters, Rollins would have fully detached from the world around her. The guilt felt like a punch in the gut that prevented her from really processing her abduction.

Rollins ordered a new phone. She was able to get her pictures and contacts back, which were important, but being able to get an update about Carisi was the priority. The last she knew, he was still in the drug-induced coma to allow his brain to rest. It felt wrong for her not to be there, but she had to put Jesse and Billie first. Plus, she knew that between his parents and sisters, someone was there at all times. He was so loved. As the birth of both of her daughters proved, he would have been her person if the circumstances were reversed. He'd be there with her now. He'd probably sleep there if he could, refusing to leave her side. She'd visit him soon, awake or not. It was the least she could do. Since her car had been a part of two crimes, she'd have to rent one for a while to drive to The Hamptons.

She had been cleaning up breakfast when her new phone buzzed on the table. Rollins looked at the lock screen. It was from a number she didn't recognize.

"Awake. :)"

Her whole face lit up. It must have been Carisi's mom. She held her phone to her chest, looked up, and let out a sigh of relief. He had been asleep in a coma twice the time she had been held captive. Her phone vibrated again.

"Asking for you"

She had planned on visiting the hospital maybe the next day if he hadn't woken up yet. Benson made her take a two-week mandatory leave, but the girl's nanny had been coming every other day to help Rollins as she rested at home. She'd go without them for this first visit. Vibrate.

"Sonny's mom sorry"

Rollins let out a single soft chuckle and responded she could be there after lunch after confirming the switch with her nanny. The timing worked out well, his mother and one of his sisters spent the whole morning there and had to get back to Staten Island. Rollins had Jesse pick out her favorite drawings for Carisi. She told her daughter it might be a while until they could all visit together. It was scary enough for her. Rollins wasn't sure if seeing Carisi in the ICU would be good for Jesse to see.

Once her nanny arrived in the afternoon, Rollins rented a car for the day and began her trip to The Hamptons. Her last trip that way, she was handcuffed and drugged in her passenger seat. Carisi's last drive that way, his head was still whole. The thought made her a little nauseous. Most people die from a bullet to the brain, with good reason. He asked for her. He knew who she was, but what would post-trauma Carisi be like? Would he be able to have a normal life? Would he be able to go back to work? Would he be able to hold Jesse or Billie again? Rollins turned up the radio to drown her thoughts.

Rollins checked with the front desk if Carisi's family was upstairs with him. The hospital limited two at a time in the ICU, but it was more about being alone with him. His coma had been stopped that morning so the doctors could see the true extent of the damage. He still had on protective headgear, but the neck brace was gone. Rollins noticed there were also fewer machines he was hooked up to. Carisi looked asleep, so she entered quietly. He stirred awake as she settled in. The last time she saw his bright blue eyes, they were rolling back into his bleeding head.

"Hi," she sweetly whispered, pulling over the chair next to his bed.

He squinted for a second, but once he processed who was there, Carisi faintly smiled and tilted his head towards Rollins. For a minute they just looked at each other. Somehow they made it to this place.

"H-how are you?" She asked, leaning forward in her seat.

"Okay," he said, but just barely.

He wasn't okay. Rollins closed her eyes and took a deep breath, feeling every emotion she had kept inside the last couple of days. She covered her face with her hands, not wanting him to see her cry. "Sonny I'm sorry."

"Amanda…"

She sat up in the chair. "No, this is on me. You came for me. My crazy ex shot you with my gun," she could have kept going, but he looked at her, perplexed. She let the pent-up energy out with her breath. "You don't remember."

"No...mom said… I was a hero?"

Rollins paused. "Yeah," she admitted with a breathy soft chuckle, smiling. "Yeah, Sonny, you were a hero."

They both ignored his fluttering heart on the monitor. She'd never admit to needing to be saved, but like she told Jesse, he came to bring them home. Carisi was almost taken from her once. If she only had a little extra time with him, he deserved to know it was all worth it. He came to Dr. Pollack's home all by himself and left with a bullet through his skull after trying to negotiate her freedom. Maybe it was a little stupid, but brave nevertheless.

Carisi had been shocked to learn he was shot in the head. His memory of the days before went in and out. He remembered the feeling of knowing Rollins was in danger, but not the circumstances or actions behind it. The doctors told him that was to be expected, but they couldn't tell him how much or what would come back. That seemed to be the answer to everything. That first day, it was hard for him to hold conversations, but he could listen and understand well. He also fell in and out of sleep easily, but Rollins was just happy to sit there. It was a miracle she could be there at all.

Eventually, she had to step out so a doctor could run tests with him. She got a coffee, walked around outside for a bit, and checked in at home. It would be a long time until Carisi could do the same.

Rollins returned about half an hour later. Carisi and his bed were back in the room. The helmet was removed. She tried not to stare at the long incision that came out from under the bullet wound dressings. It then registered to her that half of his hair was missing. He looked more human but more fragile. Rollins put her coffee down and went through the tote bag that she left in the room. Checking in with her nanny reminded Rollins of her daughter's drawings. She repositioned her previous chair to be parallel to the bed by Carisi's shoulders.

"I almost forgot," she said, sitting down. "Jesse made these for you." She crossed her legs and leaned on the armrest closest to the bed as she held out three pieces of construction paper. The picture on top was of Frannie. He grinned and slowly took the papers from her, supporting the bottom edges on his chest. Rollins watched his arm closest to her shake as he put it in motion.

"She's so worried about you," Rollins continued. "I made the mistake of saying you came for us, and she hasn't dropped it."

Rollins switched to the next drawing for him. It was a group of four people, stick figures. One was comically tall and the other three were at various heights all with yellow hair.

"I almost lost all of this," Rollins quietly said, leaning over further and resting her head on Carisi's shoulder.

He was confused. Rollins said Jessie and Billie were unharmed. He looked down at the top of her head and felt one of her hands wrap around the inside of his arm. She was talking about him. Carisi looked back at the drawing of him, Rollins, and her daughters before laying the papers down on his chest. He lowered the side of his face on top of her head, adjusting for the pressure in his head. Rollins didn't know what this was, or if she just felt guilty, but it was the best she felt in days and, for a moment, all of his pain disappeared.


	7. Georgia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All caught up with ff.net now, chapters will be updated as we go from here. Thanks for reading!

Al Pollack's funeral was two weeks to the day that Carisi got shot. Rollins wasn't invited. She only knew about it because she saw his Obituary in the New York Post. She didn't want or need to mourn his death. Maybe she wanted to understand why he took her hostage and how he could shoot Carisi without hesitation, but she'd never get those answers. Rollins instead tried to be thankful that she didn't have to write a eulogy for a cop's funeral. If there were no further complications, Carisi was going to make it.

Rollins was scheduled to return to work after the weekend. It was the next step in returning to a normal life, even if it meant less time with her daughters and even less time with Carisi. With the distance, she visited as much as she could, but it didn't help that her two young children weren't allowed in the ICU. The irony was that by the time Rollins would be back at her desk, Carisi would likely be transitioned to regular in-patient care where there were fewer visitor restrictions. His recovery was gradual but promising. Rollins saw little improvements in every visit.

For her last visit on leave, Rollins was surprising him with dinner from their favorite takeout place in the city. Sure, there was Chinese food on Long Island, but it was about sentimentality. She wasn't entirely sure she was allowed to bring in food from outside, but she'd ask for forgiveness, not permission. On her way out, Rollins promised Jesse she'd video call from the hospital and took more of her drawings.

Rollins' drives to The Hamptons became less about the journey against her will on the same path, and more about the excitement of visiting her partner. Her heart was a little ahead of her head. He was always too safe, but almost losing him flipped a switch. Rollins knew how he felt before he got shot. Everyone knew. The rational part of her brain worried that it was a phase for her, and she would end up breaking the heart of a man who got shot in the head for her. She'd done it before, but more was at stake.

Carisi was awake watching TV when Rollins arrived. She stopped in the doorway and leaned against the frame, hiding the takeout bag behind her thighs. Rollins knocked on the same side of the frame to get his attention.

"Hey," he smiled, turning off the TV on the far wall.

"Look what I got," Rollins said, taking the bag out from behind her.

"From the city? You're an angel. You wouldn't believe what they feed me here. Last night was spaghetti with jarred sauce."

Rollins chuckled and began to unpack the white Chinese takeout boxes. It was nice to see him a little feisty. "You can make all of the sauce you want when we go home."

Carisi got caught up on the "we". He wasn't sure if it was the pain medication or the holes in his head, but there was a change in Rollins. Or, maybe it was wishful thinking. She probably felt bad for him.

"I-uh, yeah, well I'm starving. Thanks, Rollins."

She smiled and tilted her head. It was a meal they've eaten many times together at the precinct. If Rollins was an expert at anything at this point, it was grasping on a piece of normalcy and holding on to it tight. Even if that normalcy was Chinese food that sat in her car for two hours. Rollins arranged their dinner on the table on wheels that could be moved to hover over the width of the bed.

"Sorry, it's cold. I'm not even sure this is allowed," she said, sitting on the edge of the bed across from Carisi.

He shook his head. "It's great Rollins, really."

They ate in silence for a couple of minutes. Carisi took advantage of the plastic fork Rollins put alongside a set of chopsticks. His doctor said the coordination on the right side of his body was off because of the trauma to the left side of his brain. It didn't hurt, but the muscles in his arms and legs would tremor when in use. He appreciated the thoughtfulness and lack of acknowledgment that he shooting changed him. Rollins noticed it the first day.

"Can I ask you something?"

Rollins nodded, a mouth full of noodles.

"What happened that night?"

She swallowed hard. "Sonny…"

"I want to know. Please?"

While the event that surrounded his injury was wiped from his memory, it was still very vivid for Rollins. She sighed, but nodded and placed her take out container on the table.

"You knocked on the door. Al went to his office and took a shot at you from upstairs…".

"That's it?"

"No, uh, I was handcuffed to the bed. You came in and freed me. Al followed you, and you tried to reason with him. He had my gun. It was pointed at you. You had put down yours, so I took it. Al said something…he was mad, and he just...shot you." Rollins closed her eyes. That was enough for Carisi, but she kept going.

"And…and I shot him. I shot him until I couldn't anymore. He fell to the floor…and you were, you were…there was so much blood."

"Amanda?"

"There was so much, and I couldn't stop it. I thought you were going to die right there, and I'd never… "

"Amanda."

He reached out and touched her hand. Rollins snapped out of her trance. She looked up and Carisi was in-front of her, not covered in blood or on the brink of death, but with soft eyes and half a smile.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…I didn't realize…," he started.

"No, I'm good," she said, slowly taking her hand away to reunite with dinner. "I'm good."

Carisi watched her and pursed his lips before stabbing at a piece of orange chicken. She didn't eat, she just looked in at her food and stirred it around. It never occurred to Carisi that she experienced additional trauma with him getting shot. How could he? He felt bad for asking what happened. She tried to warn him.

"So, what you're telling me is…on my mission to rescue you, I'm the one who needed to be saved?"

Rollins looked up. He met her eyes with a grin. She let out a soft laugh and nodded, "Yep."

Her appetite returned, and they finished eating together. She'd take all of the evidence out when she left. Rollins suggested they video-call Jesse if Carisi was up to it. They had tried during a previous visit, but he was tired and the screen made him dizzy. Rollins moved the table and took a new spot on the edge of the bed closer to Carisi. She FaceTimed her nanny, who was expecting the call. Jesse was so excited to talk to her Uncle Sonny, the only father figure she's ever known.

"Hope you're taking care of your mom and sister for me, Jess."

Before they said goodbye, Rollins thanked her nanny and asked to see Billie. Rollins always admired how sweet Carisi was with her daughters. It had been hard for her to explain in a child-friendly way to Jesse what happened to Uncle Sonny, why she couldn't visit, and why his hair was gone. For him, it came second nature.

"How do you do it?" Rollins asked, locking her phone and putting it aside.

"Do what?" Carisi chuckled. There wasn't much he could.

"Jesse and Billie. You show them so much…love? Is that fair? Al didn't even want Billie."

"He said that?"

"Not in so many words," she said, looking down. "I dropped the ball after he got this expensive wine at dinner, and he suggested I get an abortion."

Carisi felt his heart ache. "Do you remember when I took you to the hospital? Before Billie was born, and we were in that hallway?"

"I've tried to block most of that out," she said thinking about the deceased doctor's proposal.

"No, ugh no, before that," he laughed. "When it was just you and me, and the nurse called me "Poppa?"

"Vaguely?"

"I got butterflies. Amanda, I would have been the happiest man in the world. It doesn't matter who Jesse and Billie's fathers are. It's all about you, and it always has been."

It was a lot easier to spill his guts on morphine, but it wasn't any less true. Rollins' lip pouted out slightly. The thing about daddy-issues is that they always make the good ones lack appeal. Maybe it was time to break the cycle. She softly sighed and touched the side of his face furthest to her.

"You're the biggest fool I know, Sonny," she said, continuing to move closer and gently touching her forehead to his; off-center to avoid the bandages. She lingered to make sure it felt right. There was no going back.

He knew that meant something special. Carisi smiled as wide as his face and looked up deep into her eyes. She smiled back and squeezed his shoulder before tilting her head to kiss him. Their lips touched and Carisi brought his arms around Rollins to pull her against his chest to deepen the motions. She felt his forearm tremor against her back. The kiss started sweet but intensified with the release of the sexual tension built up over the years. There wasn't any damage to his brain that could have made him forget longing for this moment and for Rollins, he felt like a perfect spring day in Georgia.

"You're actually a good kisser."

"I'm not exactly a good Catholic."


	8. Secrets

The last time Rollins left the squad room, she had no clue her life would be so different the next time she sat at her desk. On her first day back, she arrived early to take a deep slow breath of reality. She was the only one there, but Carisi's desk felt especially empty. Her resignation letter was with his belongings, the first letter of every sentence circled. Rollins picked it up and had a flashback to writing it at her kitchen table and how scared she was. It was a miracle she thought of the hidden message and that Dr. Pollack wasn't any the wiser. Carisi really tried to find her. She didn't remember thanking him. She'd have to that night when she agreed to call and tell him about her first day back.

That first call turned into a call about every day. The fact that they kissed was only a small part of that. At least, that's what Rollins told herself. She missed seeing her work partner every day and talking about cases, except she'd never call that Carisi alone in her bed at night once the girls were asleep. That kiss did her no good. All she could think about was how safe she felt and how handsome he still was with half a head of hair.

For Carisi, the conversations were bittersweet. When she talked about work, it saddened him. In physical therapy, the best he could do was take one step at a time with a walker. It was hard to imagine a life for himself outside of in-patient care, not that he didn't thank God every day for the chance. His doctors never failed to remind him how lucky he was. And he was. Being on the phone with Rollins every night until she'd fall asleep was his affirmation.

Over the weekend, Rollins planned on taking Jesse and Billie to the hospital for the first time. Carisi would continue his recovery until discharge in general in-patient care. It meant he was getting stronger and could hold life on his own. Rollins was as busy as ever with Carisi gone. She felt a little shaky her first week, but she kept that to herself. She had to get a new gun, and it was a reminder that it was her gun that almost killed Carisi. Her latest new case was especially hard. A woman and three-year-old son went missing in Hell's Kitchen, and for the first time, Rollins knew what that was like.

Rollins got home late her last night of the week. Her nanny had put Jesse and Billie to sleep, but Rollins checked on them anyway after having a slice of cold pizza. They would all go to see Carisi the next day, but she still decided to check-in.

"Hey…hope it's not too late," she said, curling up against a decorative pillow atop her bed.

"Never. Long day?" His accent was stronger through the phone.

"Yeah. Tough one."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really. Can you just talk to me? I don't know…tell me a story, or your biggest dreams, about your doctor's visits - something?"

"Biggest dreams?" he chuckled.

"Shut up. Yeah, sure."

"Before or after I got shot?"

There was silence on the line. Carisi thought the phone had been disconnected, but Rollins was just taken back by his question. He had only been speaking matter of factly but it made her feel guilty. Carisi changed the subject and instead told her about visiting his grandparents in Italy as a kid. Like most nights, she passed out from exhaustion before they could formally hang up. When she stopped responding, and he was sure she was asleep, Carisi went to hang up the phone.

"Goodnight, Amanda. You've always been my dream."

In the morning, Rollins almost regretted committing to bring both daughters on a two-hour drive to the end of Long Island. Jesse was a good sport, but Rollins couldn't get her younger daughter to settle down for more than 15 minutes at a time. Luckily, by the time they hit the highway, she fell asleep.

The last time Rollins and her daughters were in The Hamptons together, she was unsure the four of them would be reunited outside of a funeral home. She felt privileged to be able to bring Billie and Jesse to see him. It would especially be good for her oldest daughter. She carried Billie, still asleep, in her car seat, and held Jesse's hand through the hospital until they reached Carisi's new room.

"Uncle Sonny!"

Rollins wondered what her daughters should call Carisi if their relationship became serious. She could see the "uncle" part getting awkward. She chuckled to herself at the thought as she put Billie's carrier on a chair. Rollins picked up her oldest daughter and perched on Carisi's bed. She was relieved to see the long curve of staples from the surgery gone, and there was more hair than flesh.

"Thank you for the drawings, Jesse, they made me feel much better."

"You're welcome," she responded cheerfully. Rollins kissed the top of her head.

"Here, let me see Billie."

"Are you sure? Your arm…"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Hmm, okay," she said, taking Jesse off her lap. "She was upset earlier, only the car got her to sleep." Jesse nodded dramatically in agreement.

Rollins carefully picked up her baby girl and held her for a moment before placing her in Carisi's outstretched left arm. She bit her lip as his trembling right hand closed around her daughter. He'd never dare suggest it if he wasn't strong enough.

"It's okay," he whispered, looking up at Rollins. She nodded and sat back down, pulling Jesse back into her lap. Billie stirred awake in Carisi's arms but didn't fuss. He looked so happy to hold her. His heart was so big that he didn't think about how he was holding the child of the man who almost killed him. It's all Rollins thought about.

She brought some books from home that Carisi could read together with the girls. One of his therapists suggested children's books could help him work on the comprehension skills he lost. Rollins took Billie back and listed to Carisi read with Jesse. It was a quick reminder about his injuries, as he read out loud half of the speed he normally talked. Her daughter didn't seem to notice. She was just happy to be there. They had always been a little family, but it all felt a little sweeter, and it made her fall deeper. Poppa Sonny could be nice.

After a couple of books, the door to Carisi's room opened. Inside walked his mother and a man Rollins assumed to be his father. They shared a name and most of their features.

"Hey…I didn't know you were coming. Jesse, this is my mom and dad." Carisi said, closing the book in his lap.

"Amanda! Good to see you," Mrs. Carisi said.

"You've…all met?"

"Before you woke up, sweetie."

Rollins felt a little overwhelmed with his parents in the room. They were all such kind and loving people that it made her uncomfortable. Familial closeness wasn't something she was used to. There was also the elephant in the room about where she and their son stood, or at least it was an elephant for her. Jesse came to sit back with her, feeling shy. Mother's daughter. Soon, Rollins sensed her other daughter needed to be changed, and she excused herself.

"Jesse, honey, do you want to come with me?"

Her daughter looked over at Carisi. "I'm okay."

Rollins stood up, picked up her diaper bag, and smoothed the top of her big brave girl's hair. She grinned at Carisi before leaving the room, a headful of things she wanted to tell him alone.

She walked around the hospital floor looking for a bathroom she could use with a changing table. It took longer than expected. Rollins ended up needing to ask for help, and she was sent to a different floor. It was for the best that Jesse stayed with Carisi and his parents instead of going on a wild goose chase.

Rollins softly spoke to Billie as she walked back to Carisi's room. He came with family. She played with the idea that her daughters were spending time with grandparents they'd never have otherwise. Real grandparents. Not people that showed up when it was convenient. As she circled the corner before the room, she found it peculiar that Carisi's parents and Jesse were in the hallway. Her daughter ran to her and wrapped her little arms around Rollin's thighs.

"W-what's going on?" Rollins asked, bending at the knees and putting her open arm around her other daughter. She looked up at Carisi's mom.

"He had a seizure. He's fine now, but…" Her voice shook.

"But what?"

"He was gone for a minute."

It was Carisi's secret. He had seizures since getting shot. His doctors were working on a cocktail of drugs to minimize the episodes, but he convinced himself that the treatments would be completely effective, and he wouldn't have to tell Rollins. It was just another thing that made him a burden, and there was more at stake now. It wasn't the only thing he kept from Rollins: the seizures, the nightmares, and the fact he was hopefully in love with her. He tried to protect her because of the latter, and she would maybe understand if his heart hadn't stopped with her daughter in the room.


	9. Close

When Carisi woke up it felt like he was hit by a truck. His chest stung, his head pounded, and he had no idea where he was. As his vision cleared, the long term memory of being in the hospital came back, but that didn't explain anything else. He had woken up like this before, but it was harder to jump back. His body was achy and tired. It took a moment to realize he wasn't alone. His mother was on the right and Rollins was on the left with both of her daughters. Jesse was curled up asleep in her arms and Billie was in the carrier. All three were asleep. His mom reached out and touched his hand.

"What…happened to me?"

"You had another seizure, honey. Your heart stopped," she said, squeezing his hand tightly. His mother looked exhausted and pained. "Your father had to go home, but Amanda refused to leave."

It took a minute, but it came back to him. Rollins had gone to change Billie. He looked back over at her. Carisi would have understood if she left with the girls, but he was glad she stayed.

"She doesn't know, Sonny, you need to tell her. This one was bad."

Carisi nodded. He only had a handful of seizures since the trauma, but his mother was right. Rollins had been hesitant with him holding Billie due to his weak right side. What if he had been holding the baby? Did Jesse see what happened? What if their mother saw him almost die for a second time?

Rollins' eyes opened. She had dozed off as her daughter rested. Jesse was too young to understand what happened, but the commotion upset her. Even so, Rollins worried what the effects of today would have on her.

"Ma, can you…"

"Sure, honey."

Carisi's mom gave a final squeeze of his hand before leaving the room to nurse a cup of coffee. He adjusted his pillow to sit up better. His head still hurt. Rollins looked over at him. She had missed most of what got them back here, but knowing his heart stopped terrified her. He assumed the burning on his chest was from getting it to beat again. If they were alone, she would have crawled into the tiny hospital bed with him to lay her ear on his chest for hours.

He took a deep breath. "Amanda, I gotta tell you something. This wasn't my first seizure."

"What?"

"I've had them since getting shot."

"W-why didn't you tell me?" she asked, holding her sleeping daughter tighter. "Are they all like that?"

"No, but this is why. I didn't want you to worry."

"I'm more than worried."

"Amanda…"

"No, Sonny, it's different now." She gave another squeeze to her daughter before standing up. "For me, it's different." Rollins delicately returned Jesse to the chair, arranging her jacket around the sleeping child.

"I don't…understand."

"This isn't what I do. I don't sit by people's hospital beds. I don't call them every night. I screw them and move on? Why? Because I choose not to get close."

"So, what am I, a charity case then?"

"No, that's not-"

"Rollins, I've been here. I've been here a long time, and if whatever we are is your way of feeding a guilty conscience then I'd rather not have it at all."

"That's not what I meant," she said, shaking her head.

"Why, because I'm finally dangerous enough for you with two holes in my head?"

"Stop it, listen to me," she said stepping closer to the bed and leaning in. "It's different because…you mean everything to me, Sonny, it just took almost losing you to realize that."

He didn't say anything. Everything that came out of his mouth was out of frustration and pain, and it upset her.

"If this is gonna work, you have to be honest with me."

"I thought I was doing the right thing, Amanda, I'm sorry. I'm on medication. I guess I hoped that would fix it and I'd never had to tell you."

"Mama?"

Rollins turned to see Jesse sit up in the chair. "Hey, Shug." Standing up from Carisi's bed, she went and picked up her groggy daughter once more.

"No more secrets. I want to be close, Sonny."

It was a longer day than anyone had expected. Rollins offered to drive Carisi's mom back to the city since his dad had to take the car. She didn't know how to say goodbye to him with so many eyes on her. After everything, she wanted to kiss him and feel how alive he was. Rollins was happy where things were going, but it was too soon for Jesse to know about the bigger picture. It was a rule she had, and she had to tread even more carefully with Carisi. She couldn't mess this one up, he was too important to all of them.

Rollins was nervous to be alone with Carisi's mom for two hours. She tried to avoid him as the subject altogether, but it was kind of the only thing the two women had in common on a surface level outside motherhood. Rollins adored the way she talked about her son and wished she and her own mother were that close. Mrs. Carisi was a warm, kind, God-fearing woman who thought Rollin's impression of her son was historical.

Rollins had never been to the Carisi home in Staten Island, but it was exactly how she imagined little Dominick Jr. growing up. She pulled into the driveway and turned off the engine. Mrs. Carisi exited the car but asked Rollins to stay put for a minute. As she waited, Rollins turned back to her daughters. Jesse had a frown.

"We'll be home soon, baby,"

When she faced the steering wheel again, Mrs. Carisi was coming down the porch steps with glass containers. Rollins rolled down her window.

"Veal and pork meatballs, and classic minestrone," she said, holding out two large dishes. "Sonny said you might be tired of take-out."

"Did he, now?" Rollins laughed, placing the dishes in the passenger seat. "Thank you. That's really sweet."

They said their goodbyes, and Rollins drove home. Once back at their apartment, Rollins turned on the TV for her daughters as she fixed dinner. She'd seen Carisi do the thing with the meatballs half a dozen times. Turn on the oven, put in the baking sheet...30 minutes? It felt wrong heating up his mother's food without him. He did it a lot better, and she wasn't even being sentimental. She'd taken for granted all of the times when Carisi would come over and cook her dinner after Jesse was born. It was always so selfless. She'd give anything for those nights again. How different would their lives have been if she knew what she knew now?

After a couple of hours of watching TV, Rollins took Frannie out, bathed the girls, and put them to bed. Her sweet girls were so tired. When she went back to the living room, she had a missed call from Carisi. Rollins turned off the TV and dialed him back.

"Hey."

"Hi, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, Rollins, I'm fine," he chuckled. "I just wanted to say goodnight."

"Sorry."

"It's alright," he said. "How was the drive with mom?"

"Good," she shrugged, turning off the lights and leaving the living room. "I made the meatballs when we got home. It was a nice touch."

"I'm glad." She could hear his smile. "She likes you, you know."

"Really?" Rollins asked with an inclination of disbelief. She looked in the girls' room one more time before heading to her own.

"Yeah, really. Why?"

"I'm an unwed mother to two girls with different fathers, for one."

"Not every devoted Catholic sees things in black and white. Only God can make that kind of judgment. "Judge not, that you be not judged." You're a good mother, you're kind, you're strong…that's all that matters," Carisi said. She sat down on her bed. "Plus…they're both baptized and I'm their godfather. You're good."

She let out a single barely audible laugh and stood up to get changed. "If you say so."

"Can I ask something?"

"I can't stop you," she responded, holding the phone with her shoulder.

"Who's Jesse's father?"

"Does it matter?"

"Let me get close."

Rolins abandoned getting ready for bed and retook the phone in her hand. "Declan Murphy."

"Murphy, like…your old lieutenant?"

"Yes."

"The guy that pistol-whipped me undercover?"

"…Yes."

"Okay."

"That's it? Okay?"

"That's it."

It really didn't matter who to Carisi, it just mattered he was dignified enough to know. Almost any man would have resulted in the same response. He did find it ironic that both Murphy and Dr. Pollack had it out for his head, but he kept that to himself. Rollins resumed getting ready for bed. She let Carisi do most of the talking as she changed into a nightshirt, washed her face, and brushed her teeth. Rollins crawled onto her bed and laid on her back. She stared up at her ceiling fan. When they would run out of things to say, sometimes they just sat on the phone with each other in silence until someone broke.

"I wish you were here with me, Sonny."

He paused. "Hang up."

She reluctantly ended the call. A moment later, her phone ran again, but as a FaceTime. Rollins smiled and rolled onto her side before answering. Carisi was mostly in the dark, with lights from the hallway catching the features of his face.

"Hi," she said, folding her arm under her pillow, and holding her phone horizontally in-front of her on the bed.

Rollins was backlit by a table lamp. She looked so soft and happy, like every wall she had ever put up disappeared. Carisi mirrored her position in the hospital bed and propped up his phone against the railing.

"I'm right here."


	10. Scars

The next time Rollins visited Carisi in the hospital, she went alone. It would actually be the last time anyone would have to drive two hours and back to The Hamptons. During the week he'd be transferred to an inpatient rehabilitation facility in the city that specializes in traumatic brain injuries. There, he'd get customized therapies to work towards returning to a normal life. After the last seizure that stopped his heart, Carisi was prescribed a new medication. It seemed to be working, though his doctor warned he may never be fully out of the woods in that regard.

Although he'd be closer, rehab would be more structured. The visitation windows were much smaller. The support of friends and family was encouraged, but it had to be on their terms. With Carisi gone, Rollins was working 12-hour days on top of taking care of her daughters. They both had to accept that their time spent together wouldn't improve, but for now, she sat on the bed with him and tried to focus on being in the moment.

"Can you believe I've been here almost a month?"

"Sonny, you were shot in the head."

"Yeah," he said with a little laugh before getting serious. "I'm kind of nervous to leave."

"Why's that?" Rollins asked, moving in closer to him.

"It sounds silly because I still don't even remember, but I'm afraid it'll happen again."

"That's normal, you know that," she said, cupping his face.

"I thought it would be easier, you know, being a cop, seeing this happen to people, knowing what to expect, but, it's not."

"No, it's not," she repeated. Rollins understood better than anyone else.

"And I don't want this to end," he said, leaning his head into her hand and looking up at her with sad eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Things are gonna change, Rollins."

"Some things will. You couldn't hold up your head a month ago," she said moving her hand back to gently run it through his now full head of hair. "I fell for you here, upstairs in the ICU, but I can't wait for you to come home and spend the night with me and…we make breakfast for the girls in the morning and I kiss you and everything is alright."

He smiled and blushed a little."I…that's my biggest dream, Amanda."

Rollins returned the grin and kissed the top of his head. The bullet wound on his forehead was healed over and pink, but she was still careful around it. Being close to her was better than he ever imagined. Rollins and her daughters were the beacons of hope he needed to get stronger.

By mid-week, their residential zip codes were only a few digits away. The ride to the city felt weird. Never in a million years did he think it would take him a month to return to Manhattan from visiting The Hamptons on a hunch to find his partner. Back when, 30 days ago, he could walk without tremors and read without sounding out words, but there wasn't a part of him that regretted going to Dr. Pollack's home. Rollins needed him and because of his actions, she and her daughters left virtually unharmed. God has a plan for him. His selflessness was rewarded with the woman he loved wanting to be more than friends.

As Carisi settled in the new hospital, Rollins continued to struggle. It wasn't just that they were down a detective, but it was the caseload and intensity of each one. Missing person cases and deaths by gunshots still rattled her up. When they found a John dead in the street with a bullet hole in his forehead, Rollins had to excuse herself. She only saw her daughters when she woke up and before she went to bed. Jesse started not being able to sleep until her mother came home. Some nights she was too tired to talk on the phone. Carisi tried not to take it personally. He knew what she was going through, but he couldn't help his mind from wandering. The truth was that she didn't have time for a one night stand at a bar even if she wanted one.

The rehabilitation program was more intense than Carisi expected. His life was no longer about surviving, but learning how to live again. The tremors on his right side still made it difficult to walk or do simple tasks. The purpose of the physical therapies was to try and remap parts of his brain-damaged by the bullet. Only time would tell his prognosis. It was hard to see himself struggle, but being around other people with similar fates made him feel blessed.

The scar on his forehead was like a story he told before he could open his mouth. He hadn't really seen his reflection since before he was shot. His hair had mostly grown back except for where the bullet exited and the fault line of a surgical scar that saved his life. It took over three years for Rollins to feel something for him, and this is what did it. She kissed him for the first time when he was in much worse shape. Maybe it had been there all along.

He'd see doctors most of the day, and visiting hours were in the evening. It required solving a couple of cases before Rollins could make it to the rehab facility. Carisi felt like he was losing her. He was nervous when she finally could plan a visit.

The rehab center had a visiting area opposed to Rollins being able to visit him privately. She was guided to the room by a nurse who would get Carisi for her. Rollins picked a table and sat down. There were other patients and their visitors in the room. For Carisi rehab seemed like a positive thing, but she couldn't help but pick up sad energies from the room.

She sat there uncomfortable and closed off until the large set of doors to the room opened. Rollins looked up and saw the nurse guide Carisi in. He walked slowly with a cane in his left hand to support his right leg. Rollins had seen Carisi stand only a handful of times in the hospital. His doctors in The Hamptons worried about him falling and further injuring his head with the tremors, so they kept walking and standing outside therapy to a minimum. Rollins stood up and their eyes met from across the room.

"Sonny," she exhaled, pushing herself away from the table. Rollins did an unintentional little joyous leap as she met him at the front of the room.

Without any other words, she stepped up close against his chest and held his face in her hands before rising on her tiptoes to kiss him. Carisi froze for a second, but smiled against her lips and kissed her back with equal force. What he'd give to ditch the cane to swoop her off her feet, but it was the only thing keeping him up that long. When she pulled her face away, she kept her hands on his jaw.

"Look at you," Rollins exclaimed. She forgot how tall he was. It was the first time she had to reach to kiss him, but not the first time she thought about it. She was so proud of his progress and regretted not being there for more of it.

Carisi was speechless. All he could do was look down at Rollins and her glistening eyes and smile. For a moment the universe disappeared and they floated together in nothingness. He kissed the top of her head and she turned around to link his arm with hers. Rollins took one step at a time with him until they reached the table she claimed. They had made a bit of a scene. Carisi told his therapy group he got shot rescuing the love of his life, and he was glad to not disappoint.

"I've missed you," Carisi said once at the table. The tone of his voice ripped Rollins in two.

"I know. I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head. "I wanted to come sooner. It-it's hard without you by my side. Liv's been really depending on me."

"You can't count on me coming back."

"I know, I know. It's just rough right now, that's all," she said before reaching for his hand. "Which is why I'm so happy to be here now."

"I was worried you…never mind."

"Sonny, what?"

"Found someone else."

It stung a bit, but Rollins knew where he was coming from. "Just work. I promise."

He believed her, but it was hard because they had no definite standing. All Carisi had to fall back on was how she kissed him and the kind things she said. He knew a label would scare her, but it would have helped his already low self-esteem. Rollins changed the subject to his recovery. Aside from being able to walk with a cane short distances, his reading got better and his right arm was more steady. She could feel it. He worked hard to get where he was, but he still had a long way to go.

When Rollins' phone buzzed, she ignored it. The texts turned into calls. Carisi's eyes kept going to her phone on the table. He appreciated what she was doing, but he nudged her phone towards her. She sighed and answered.

"Hey, Liv. Yeah, sorry, uh, bad service. I'm with Sonny."

Carisi sat back in his chair and smirked at her lie and willingness to admit being with him. That was nice. A serial rapist they were following in the East Village struck again, and the attack had escalated. Benson needed her on the scene.

"It's my case. I gotta go."

He blinked slowly and sighed, "go get 'em for me."

"I'll call if I can."

"Just let me know you get home safe."

"I will," she said, standing up. She realized standing would take more effort for Carisi, so she bent over and steadied herself on the armrests around his hips.

"I love you, Dominick."

She pushed away from the chair and walked backward a couple of steps, smiling and biting her lip before turning around to leave. Rollins didn't give him time to respond. She didn't need to. His scars and how he got them told her everything she needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect two more chapters after this one!


	11. God's Plan

Even though their last visit had been cut short, Carisi felt much better about where he and Rollins stood. She had done it so nonchalantly, but he knew "I love you" wasn't a place many people have been. He felt special; even more so than surviving a close-range shot to the head. For Rollins, it was a promise and a way to hold herself accountable to do better. She hadn't loved someone in a long time. Saying it out-loud made it real. It wasn't just about her anymore. If she was too tired or busy, she sent little reminders that she was still thinking of him. Sometimes it was a picture of her breakfast. Sometimes it was thoughts of longing when she was alone in bed and couldn't sleep. Those were his favorite.

For a change, Rollins got home at a reasonable hour and was able to put her daughters to bed instead of their nanny. She read them a story and tucked each girl in. Billie was a little fussy but quieted down after Rollins rocked and sang to her.

She talked to Carisi for a long time last night, and she wanted to do it again. However, the promise of an early night-in was too appealing. It was yet another week of being overworked and stretched thin. She sent him a text instead:

_"Girls are asleep. I'm tired. Missing you. Goodnight."_

He texted back a similar sentiment almost immediately like he was waiting for her. Rollins almost changed her mind, she wanted to see his face, but her unit had a big day in court the next day and their calls were never short. She turned her phone over on her nightstand and fell asleep moving blocks around in her mind to figure out when she could visit Carisi again.

Hours later, she jumped awake to the sound of Billie screaming. Like all babies, she sometimes cried at night, but never like that. Rollins got her bearings and went to the girls' room. Jesse was already awake in her bed, clutching her favorite stuffed toy. They'd have to get a new place once Billie outgrew the crib. Rollins leaned in and picked up her baby. She felt hot to the touch and continued to cry despite her mother's cooing.

"Jesse, honey, why don't you go sleep in Momma's bed?"

It was their routine when Billie was upset. Rollins didn't want to put down her crying baby, but she left to tuck Jessie into her queen-sized bed. On her way back to Billie, Rollins stopped in the bathroom to get a thermometer. She watched the numbers rise higher and higher.

_102.4ºF_

She had never seen such a high fever when Jesse was that young. Was it too high for her little baby? Billie kept wailing and Rollins started to panic. Should she go to the hospital? Should she call a doctor? She returned to her bedroom with Billie to get her phone. She called Carisi.

As the phone rang, Rollins walked into the living room with Billie on her hip. He wasn't picking up, but she tried again. After the second attempt, she stopped to try and comfort Billie. She'd try a clinic down the block in a minute. Her phone buzzed. She accepted the call and held the phone with her shoulder.

"Sonny, Billie has a fever. I've never seen it so high. I don't know what to do," she said, all of her words combining in a panic.

"Hey, hi, what's going on? Are you okay? Billie's sick?" She could hear him rustle in bed.

"102.4ºF fever. She's so hot. Should I call 911?"

"Okay, Amanda, listen to me. Breathe," he said, sitting up and swinging his feet to the cold floor to force his body awake.

"But…"

"Breathe, Rollins. I got this."

Carisi heard her take a deep breath behind Billie's crying. He understood her fear, he'd never heard either Rollins girl sound like that.

"Do you have baby Tylenol? Start with that."

He couldn't hear her nod, but Rollins walked to their bathroom medicine cabinet. She put the phone down to give the recommended dose for Billie's age and weight. It was coming back to her. She'd done this before, but seeing her child so uncomfortable on top of all the stress she was under made her useless. He continued to sit in the dark and listen.

"Now get her comfortable while that works. Damp washcloth to her forehead, not too cold."

Rollins followed his instructions. After a couple of minutes with the washcloth, Billie stopped screaming but continued whimpering. She wished he was the father to both of her children.

"There, that sounds better. Is she lethargic?"

"No, just hot."

"Keep an eye on her temperature. If it gets higher, go to the hospital."

"Sonny, thank you, I just...freaked."

"I know. It'll be okay. I'll stay up with you for a bit."

Rollins felt so lucky. She laid down on the couch and held Billie to her chest. Her baby quieted down further as time passed. Carisi remained on speakerphone from the coffee table. She got a long talk with him that night after all.

"Barba said you guys have a big trial tomorrow, are you going to be okay?"

"You've been talking to Barba?"

"I won't be a cop again. He said I could be an effective prosecutor with my cane and scar."

Rollins let out a quiet snort. She thought it was great, though. He passed the bar so long ago. It seemed as good of a time as ever to transition careers, if that's what he wanted.

After an hour, Billie's fever went down. She let Carisi go back to sleep, but she stayed up with her daughter. She had been running on mostly caffeine anyways, what was one more day, one more trial?

Rollins didn't feel the same way in the morning. She got maybe an additional hour of sleep once she was sure the fever was controlled. Her trusted nanny would be there, but Rollins didn't want to go to work, she wanted to take care of her child. Unfortunately, she was an important asset to the prosecution's case. Her arrest. Her serial rapist. If the afternoon went well, she'd see if she could leave early for the day.

In the courthouse lobby, Rollins nursed her fourth cup of coffee of the day, waiting for the judge to get back from lunch. She already had a full morning of work plus the anticipation of testifying. She heard quick feet approach her.

"You can still do this, right?"

She knew she looked tired, but Rollins had a hunch.

"Y'all are talking about me, now?"

"I'm not going to get in-between whatever little domestic love story is going on here, but I could have moved your testimony."

"I'm good, Barba."

"Okay…okay. Good. Good. See you in there." Barba began to pass her, but Rollins stopped him with her available hand.

"You're really gonna help him, right?"

Barba thought about his response carefully. "I'll see what I can do. He seems there, but…it'll take time. " Rollins took her arm back and nodded. They shared a look before Barba continued on his way.

On the stand, her mind was on her daughter at home, Carisi in rehab, and her sanity in the trash. Otherwise, it felt like a normal day in court, sitting next to a judge, and answering questions for Barba. However, as the questions continued to come, she started to feel dizzy and lightheaded. Rollins tried to push through it, but her body was stronger than her mind.

"Detective Rollins, are you…?"

The courtroom started spinning and she lost consciousness on the stand. Barba rushed to Rollins and softened her slow fall to the floor from the witness box, and yelled for someone to call an ambulance. The whole courtroom was in shock.

When Rollins woke up, she was still on the courtroom floor. Her vision was blurry, but she could see her lieutenant and two paramedics buzzing around her.

"I…what, happened?"

"Amanda, you fainted," Benson said, kneeling on the floor with her.

"In open court," Barba added.

"You're alright," Tutuola said.

"Okay."

The EMTs checked her vitals. There was nothing physically wrong with her that they could pinpoint why she fainted. They suggested it was caused by dehydration or exhaustion, but if it happened again to see her doctor. She wouldn't be taken to the hospital, but they recommended she go home and rest right away. Benson wasn't looking forward to losing Rollins again, but she clearly needed to take care of herself. Rollins downed a bottle of water before leaving the courthouse. Her co-workers offered to drive her home, but that's not where she was going.

It was just before visiting hours when Rollins got to the rehab center. In the rush of it all, she hadn't even told Carisi she was coming. All she had to do was tell the office she was there for him and he'd be notified. Once the staff let her in, she chose the same table from her last visit. Carisi had just gotten back to his room from a session of group therapy when a nurse came in and said he had a visitor. He hadn't remembered anyone saying they were coming.

Rollins sat at their table with her head in her hands. She looked up when she heard the door open. Carisi was able to slowly walk one foot in front of the other to her with the cane. God, she missed so much.

"I'm so happy to see you, but we didn't plan this, right?" he asked, sitting down. It wouldn't have mattered if his brain hadn't been damaged.

"No, no," she said quietly. She sat back in her chair and looked up at the ceiling, trying not to cry. "I'm losing it, Sonny."

"Hey, what's going on? Is Billie okay?"

"I fainted on the stand. I woke up on the courtroom floor. I can't do this."

"W-what? Are you okay? Why are you here? Did you-"

"Please stop," she said, shutting her eyes tight. Thick tears fell down her face. "I'm fine."

"Honey, that's not fine." He reached over to take hold of both of her hands. His face was hard with every line visible.

Honey. Rollins wanted to keep arguing with him, but Carisi was right. She wasn't fine and she hadn't been since she returned to work. Not only was she learning to live with the trauma that changed her life forever, but she was stretched paper-thin and now her daughter was sick.

"You're still sitting with me through the worst thing that will probably happen to either of us. Amanda, I was depressed for a while. There was a time where…I wished that bullet killed me."

"Why the hell are you telling me that?" She cried. His statement broke her. If it was his way of comforting her, it wasn't working.

"Because I talked about it. I may be the obvious victim here, but you were the first one."

"I am not a victim."

"Just…listen to me. I love you, your daughters love you, and we need you. Whatever is going on, it's okay to get help. You're exhausted. Your body told you that today. What if you hit your head? Or, passed out somewhere dangerous?"

Rollins hadn't thought about that. He was right. Again. After everything happened, she did get help. Benson required her to see one of the police shrinks before coming back, but she only did the minimum hours required. She remained quiet for a while.

"Sonny, did you really wish you had died?"

He shrugged. "I was in a lot of pain…and it all felt hopeless, but it passed. I'm glad I'm here. It was all God's plan, and you made it worth it every step of the way," he said, looking into her sad and tired eyes. She smiled slightly, the most she had all day. "Can you hold on one more week for me?"

She wiped a tear off her cheek with the back of her hand. "Huh?"

"I can go home next week. Seven days. I was gonna tell you tonight." He'd still have to come to the hospital every other day, but that was a conversation for a different time.

"Really?" she sniffed. "Oh, Sonny, that's amazing."

"Really. I'm not saying things will get easier, but after all this time, I can finally be there for you."


	12. Here

After fainting in court, Rollins took the rest of that week off, but she was back on the job when Carisi was released from rehab. Instead, his parents picked him up from the hospital and brought him home to his apartment which had been abandoned for months. It was a time capsule from before he got shot. There was a cup in the sink. He had thrown a jacket on the back of his couch, thinking he'd just hang it up later. The bed was unmade from rushing out the door because he hadn't slept well that last night home. Food was rotting in the fridge. Otherwise, nothing had changed except for the person who looked back at him in his bathroom mirror.

Carisi's parents kept him company for a while and helped him tidy up. This mother brought enough food from Staten Island to refill the fridge. She was nervous to leave her son alone, but he assured her that it would only be for a couple of hours. His girlfriend was coming over later.

The SVU squad was always relieved when no big cases came their way before the weekend. Rollins finally got her break and wouldn't have to tell Carisi she'd be late or couldn't come at all. Everything would have been perfect if she could have just been there to taken him home, but she took the little victory.

They had always met at her place. She had only been to his apartment a couple of times for work. How funny that she loved him and had no idea what color his sheets were.

When she knocked at his door and he didn't open it right away, Rollins got nervous. What if something happened when he was by himself? She was going to knock again, but the locks began clicking from behind the wooden slab.

"Sorry, I was laying down. You're early!" Carisi exclaimed, opening the door and stepping aside to let her in. He leaned heavily into his cane.

She had to stop thinking he was on the brink of death all the time, but it was still a hard image to let go. He closed the door behind Rollins and went to lead her to the living room, but she remained still.

"You okay?" It looked like she saw a ghost.

"What? Yeah, I'm good." She shook it off and smiled at him before putting her work bag down on the floor.

"Good," he said, backtracking his steps to stand in front of her. Without breaking eye contact, Carisi laid his cane against the adjoining wall to the door. "Don't let me fall, okay?"

"Sonny, what are-"

He placed his hands on her hips, and closed any gap between them, pushing her half a foot back against the door. This time he took her by surprise. Carisi wrapped his arms around the small of her back before slowly lowering his lips to hers. She brought her hands to his face and kissed him like no one was in the room, because for the first time, no one was.

The only reason he pulled his face away was that his thigh started to tremor. They were close enough that Rollins felt it too. With a sigh, he collapsed his forehead into the nook of her neck before unwinding his arms to take the cane back.

"It's okay. C'mon, let's go sit," she sweetly said, stroking his face.

Rollins took his free hand and they went to three-seater couch at the back of the living room. He sat in the middle and she folded her leg under her next to him and placed her arm along the back of the couch. He rolled his head to look at her. A lot of negative things came from getting shot, but his previous-self would have never believed that Amanda Rollins would ever look at him with the same eyes he had for her.

Despite three lasagnas and, what Carisi estimated to be, a gallon's worth of soup, they ordered a pizza. It felt just like the old days after Jesse was born, but the way Carisi daydreamed about. Everything except maybe the anti-seizure medication he'd have to take with dinner. When the pizza arrived, Rollins brought it to the coffee table and Carisi, from the living room, guided her to plates in the kitchen - terribly. She stopped listening and found them herself before returning to the couch. They ate quietly in the dark, only illuminated by the TV. It was all so normal, it felt weird.

"Can you do me a favor?" Carisi asked, putting his plate onto an almost empty pizza box. "Could you turn on a light in here? Just the TV is making my head hurt, I think."

"Sure," she said standing up. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"No, no, new thing," he said.

She half smiled and flicked on the lights on the wall closest to her. Rollins cleaned up the coffee table before taking her seat back. She shifted herself to the furthest end of the couch and patted her lap. "Come here. Rest your head."

He looked down at her hands and back up to her face, almost needing reassurance, before cautiously shifting his body horizontally. Like a puzzle piece, his neck was perfectly supported by her upper thigh. She leaned her torso forward, needing to push back her hair, before framing his head with her hands to place a gentle kiss on his forehead. It felt familiar in a way, to be taken care of and safe, and Rollins was so at peace that she didn't even think about the last time she cradled his head in a similar manner.

They continued to watch TV and melt together. It had been a long day moving back home and his medication made him drowsy, so Carisi fell asleep in her lap. It was sweet, but Rollins knew she was in trouble. It was getting late, and she had a three-year-old at home who still waited up for her to go to bed. She hadn't planned on staying over, which maybe was a mistake.

When he started stirring, Rollins thought she was out of the woods. She stroked his hair to ease him out of sleep, but his long body curled up instead and he started grumbling nonsense. He tensed up against her lap and before she could react, his nonsense escalated to groans and whimpers. He tossed from his side to his back. At first, she thought he was about to have another seizure, but what he said next in his nightmare state sent a chill down her spine.

_"Rollins…Rollins, help."_

"Sonny. Hey, Sonny?" she softly said, not wanting to startle him, as he squeezed his shoulder.

With a gasp he jerked awake. Carisi looked around frantically, panting as he brought a hand up to feel around the top of his head. There was no blood. He was fine. Rollins heard him swallow hard.

"You're okay. Sonny, You're okay. It was just a dream."

No one had ever been there for the nightmares. Whether the ICU or rebab, he'd wake up alone in a hospital bed with only a digital representation of his heartbeat for comfort. He was genuinely scared by what he dreamt, but it was a lot easier to forget as he counted the blonde hairs that cascaded inches from his face as Rollins held him. He never bothered her with the vivid recreations his sleeping mind made of their trauma, but she knew they existed.

"I saw what you saw, but I felt it," Carisi said, looking up at her. He wasn't sure if it made sense out-loud. The pain of getting shot had been in slow motion, and when Rollins woke him, he was simultaneously watching himself die as her. He paused, closed his eyes, took a deep breath. "Can you stay with me tonight?"

"I don't know."

"You're right, I'm sorry, it was dumb to ask."

"No, I mean, let me see if I can."

Rollins reached over his head and grabbed her cellphone. It wasn't a problem for her nanny. Rollins paid her well, especially for overnights, and her boss was, quite frankly, predictable. Jesse was still up waiting for her to come home. It took some negotiating for her to go to sleep, but Rollins got her daughter's blessing to stay out for one night and take care of Uncle Sonny. Her momma was the best at handling bad dreams, after all.

"Thanks, Amanda," he said, sitting up and swinging his feet to the floor. "I'll take camp out here."

"You're funny."

"I want you to be comfortable."

Rollins stood up. She couldn't deal with him. "I know you're trying to be a gentleman, but I'm gonna let you off the hook and just say come to your bed with me."

"I…okay."

She snickered and held out her hand to help him up. Rollins had never been that deep into his apartment before, so she let him lead the way. The door was half closed, for him it was a new level of intimacy before they even entered the room. Everything had a place but it was dense, like she could learn secrets about him just from being there.

"Uh, I'm gonna brush my teeth and all that. Yeah. Do you need anything?"

"I'm alright. Thanks."

Carisi left the room and Rollins looked around before walking over to his dresser in the corner. Maybe she could find something to wear to bed. After digging, she pulled out a familiar blue NYPD T-shirt with bold yellow lettering in the center before holding it up to her body. That would work. Rollins closed the drawer and changed out of her blouse and pants quickly. The navy shirt fell down her legs just long enough that she wouldn't have to return Carisi to the hospital.

"You uh, hi."

"Hope you don't mind."

"How could I?"

Rollins smiled and tilted her head before passing by Carisi to wash her face in the bathroom. How strange life was. Getting ready for bed wearing nothing but her old partner's T-shirt. He sat down on his bed and tried to process the same thing.

As she returned, Rollins began taking off her necklace. The clasp had gotten wrapped in her hair and she stopped in the middle of the room to focus on detangling it. She was so perfect. Carisi needed to stop staring at her and get ready for bed. He stood up and walked to his closet, leaving the cane. He hesitated to undress, but peeled off his shirt and sweatpants and threw them in the hamper, hoping just boxer-briefs wouldn't cross a line. She stopped playing with the necklace.

"You know," she said, walking alongside the width of the bed to meet him in the corner. She snaked her arms around his ribs. "I thought you were still pretty handsome with your hair missing."

"Did I get shot in the head, or did you?" he laughed, looking down at her.

She playfully rolled her eyes, shook her head, and tightened her arms around him. She was so cute when she was annoyed. He wanted to pick her up, lay her down on his bed, and do all of the things his body wasn't ready for. Instead, he settled for kissing the top of her perfect head.

Rollins got her necklace unclasped and put it with the rest of her belongings on the dresser. Carisi waited for her to get under the covers before turning off the light and making his way in the dark through the familiar space. His silhouette crawled into the bed with her. He took a moment to cherish his own bed and how lucky he was to share it. They had trained for this moment over video calls, rolling in to face each other.

He heard Rollins break into a smile and a little laugh. Carisi did the same and fished his arm over her waist under the covers and pulled her to him.

A room was never truly dark in New York City. They laid together in silence, their faces close but lips never touching; selfless. As Rollins' eyes adjusted, the high points of his face became distinguishable from the shadows. An ambulance passed by and echoed through the street outside. She placed her hand around the side of his head and ran her thumb over the round and tough depression below his hairline.

"I'm sorry this is how we got here, Dominick," she said, pulling back slightly to look at him better. "You shouldn't have needed to almost be taken from me so I could realize that it's always been you."

Carisi let out a soft sigh and furrowed his brow. Her words were sweet, but his mind went back to the circled characters of the letter still probably sitting on his old desk.

"I would have never stopped looking for you," he said, holding her tight. "What happened, happened, don't you ever be sorry." Rollins brought her face back closer, squeezing her eyes shut as their foreheads touched.

"Amanda, I'd go through it all again…a dozen times, a hundred, if every time - we got here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to miss writing this. Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos, and for all the kind words.


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